Grace

At the end of March a wonderful thing happened to me. I became an Auntie again. I am besotted with my nephew and had slight anxiety that the second baby might not be as precious. Since he was born two years ago I have realised how much you can love a person. I never really wanted to see someone, spend time with someone, watch someone experience things like I have with him. Every time I visit him he can do (or say!) something new and I was scared I wouldn't love his sibling as much as him.

How wrong I was.

My niece is the most wonderful little bundle ever, but that's not what makes her precious. I found out what does, much before she was born.

She is precious because she doesn't have her left hand or lower half of her left forearm. She is precious because she brought me into a whole new place in my life. She is precious because she taught me about trust, faith and hope. She doesn't know it yet, but one day I will tell her what she did for me before she was even born.

At her 20 week scan my sister-in-law and brother found out that there was an 'abnormality' with the baby's arm. More scans followed in time and everything else appeared fine, it was to be 'just one of those things'.

I cried ... a lot when I found out. I was upset that things hadn't gone the way they were supposed to. 'Ironically' when I got the news, I was at my pregnancy crisis counselling course. I was in a room of women who all desperately desire for those facing crises in their pregnancies to have a place to be able to talk, get information and make informed decisions for their future. Coincidence - I don't think so!

So all was not perfect and I did the classic 'why me?' or more to the point 'why them?'. I shouted at God. A lot. As I drove home from my course I had no words, just tears, anger and pain within me. I doubted the faithful, loving God I supposedly knew.

It also 'just so happened' that it was my turn to have the book 'The Shaming of the Strong', one of our compulsory reads for the course. It is a book about a family who find out that the baby they are carrying is not going to survive and tells the story of their journey. Sarah gave me the book and I read it in just two days. It hurt, helped and released me through its pages. Some of the pages made me despair, some made me relieved and some just made me grieve. As I read the page where the nanny Emma learns that the baby is sick I felt reassured. Her reaction was "It's not fair, why would God let this happen, it's not right" and it reflected exactly my sentiment at the time.

A few days later I was at work and was sorting through a couple of boxes of baby clothes an came across a pink striped scratch mitten. At first glance I thought one was missing, and then noticed there was another one inside. I fell apart...internally. I had such a sense of God speaking to me but was sat in the office. I finished what I was doing and headed home. When I got there, I spent some time with God, focussing on those two little mittens. I was crumbling into a pit of self pity and sadness. And then God stepped into my wallowing and he asked me two massive questions:

" Do you have faith enough in me to believe that his baby may need both of these mittens?"
"Do you trust me and will you continue to trust me if I don't?"

Yes Lord.
I have faith that you can perform a miracle. Yes Lord I trust that love underpins every plan you have. I trust that you will provide for this baby every day of its life.

................................

A couple of weekends ago I saw my family, most of us together for the first time since three had got used to becoming four and as I looked around I realised how blessed I was to see my family, together, loving one another and sharing time with one another.
Grace had a beautiful dress on and I was so pleased to see her just as she is. To see her arm, not hidden but there for all to see. It was beautiful and difficult all in one breath. As I looked at her I had a sense of God reminding me of the way he sees us, perfectly formed, just as he created us to be, and with immeasurable love.

I also saw a baby whose life may not always be easy and who may well come up against comments and people who cannot accept that we are all different but in some its a bit more evident. You see many of us are far from perfect in our hearts, minds and bodies. We just acknowledge the things we can most clearly see. I pray Grace would never come up against negative comments, attitudes or behaviours and grow up safe in the knowledge that she is loved The Creator and her identity is found in Him.

Our plans don't always happen the way we expect them to, but it's not our job to make the plans, it's our job to faithfully follow Him who plans everything and trust in him as we walk that path.


Grace, I am a champion for your greatness. And I will support you as best as an Auntie can. I love you Grace (and your wonderful big brother too). I can't wait to see you again soon. xx

Back again ... List #1 (and possibly the last)

My dear friend Katie has been doing blog posts that comprise of lists. Today's was a list of the contents of her purse (handbag). I decided mine could trump hers big style so here goes...

1. My sparkly coins purse (wallet) from Mum and Dad this Christmas. Useful on the days when a big purse gets in the way.

2. Brown leather day to day purse for cards and cash. A loan from my beautiful housie Zoe after my beloved red spotty Cath Kidston one was stolen last month. Still hunting for the perfect new one.

3. iPod and headphones. My headphones are blue because a) I killed the original ones and b) it makes me different.

4. USB Stick. For all those office to home to other office transfers when the internet doesn't cut it.

5. Cocoa body butter - I hate dry hands.

6. Mango and Papaya body butter - still hate dry skin and 2 christmasses ago I got enough to last me a lifetime!

7. Moleskin black diary - It tells me where I need to be when and much more! In a crazy community job I would be lost without it.

8. Pen assortment. Currently I have 6 of them, in 3 colours. 1 fountain pen, 2 roller balls, 1 fibre tip and 2 biros. The pink one is my favourite.

9. Mascara. An old one for absolute emergencie although I would rarely be able to find it.

10. Aloe vera vaseline. I love the stuff. So much so that there are currently two packs as when my stolen bag was being fingerprint tested I bought a replacement and now new and old are both in there.

11. Tropicana OJ. Gotta get some vitamins in me on the run.

12. Work mobile. Thankfully it doesn't go off too often!

13. Church notes. The itinerary of what is going on at the church all week.

14. Paracetamol and ibuprofen. For the days when nothing else will kick my headache and the children at work are still making noise.

15. Softmints. Because I like them.

16. Sellotape. I don't know why.

17. Nine hair ties. I was wondering where they had all gone.

18. 3 copies of the kids thoughts, visions, pictures and words from God in our Bible Study session tonight.

19. 4 Mint Candy rock sweets. The last from Rebecca as part of my 'Thanks for taking Oscar whilst Iris was born' present.

20. Glasses. I get a bit blind looking into the distance for too long, particulalry later in the day. And at work. They help me.

21. A tube of bobby pins. My hair can be uncontrollable!

22. Tictacs. Minty fresh and just two calories.

23. A tupperware of Special K that I had most of for lunch today.

24. An apple. Been meaning to eat that for days.

25. Sunglasses made fully of plastic. Great for sliding onto head when the sun goes in.

26. Sunglasses with metal frames and nose pieces. Not so cool for the hair but much cooler on the face.

27. Cuticura lemon hand sanitizer. I work with kids. Enough said.

28. Packet of mini eggs. Easter is coming. Mini sugar supply in hectic schedule.

29. Personal mobile. I'm pretty attached to it. Slightly addicted.

30. Comb. Must have in British weather.

31. Envelope of photo CDs. Must remember to take them back to work and leave them there tomorrow.

32. Mini Cadbury's Caramel Eggs. Treats for a well behaved small person in my car. They squash too easily at the bottm of a bag though.

33. Gaviscon. Every stomach acid sufferer's best friend. A small tub of 60 minty tablets.

34. My Bible. A source of strength and support. A reference for my life. The Truth. It goes everywhere with me.

So ... 34 items. That's insane. I'm gonna try and travel lighter in future!

Katie my love, I hope this makes you proud.

Goodnight. xxx

An 'Ordinary' Week

Hey

So I posted a week ago ... what a crazy week it's been!

I can barely remember what I've been up to but packing! I was able to go and hand in my keys to Starbucks on saturday then headed off to Bicester to grab myself a beautiful Helly Hansen coat which is beyond snuggly so I was immensely happy with that. And its rained a heap since ... foresight!

Sunday was my chill out a bit. I went to church in the morning, then nipped round town briefly before heading home to continue on my packing voyage. Then dinner at my parents' hotel that evening with Beks which was lovely.

Monday was a pretty mundane day consisting of packing and cleaning the house after giving the parents a car load of stuff. Woo woo.

Tuesday was lovely! I went to Watford with Rachel and we had back massages at Presence Spa - glorious. Driving around the Watford area was entertaining to say the least - not something I'd be tempted to do again! Then after our leisurely time together it was time to jump in the car and head to Amersham to have supper with Rob and Cathryn and see Jonathan just before his bedtime. Then home we drove up the glorious M40 - seem to spend quite a bit of time on there at the mo. :o)

Wednesday, thursday and friday were all pretty similar, comprising of my desire to hire professional cleaners and persuading myself to clean and pack lots more!

So today - Oscar - YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

More interesting and exciting posts to come ... x

It's done!!!!!!

I have now officially finished my job at Starbucks which means that in the past 6 (yes - 6) days I have finished my dissertation, degree and job.

However I can safely say that out of all these things I found saying my goodbyes by far the hardest thing of all. Man I am going to be missing some of the people I've said farewell to this past week - it's been a little bit crazy!!!

Chat soon, Dizi x

Faithful

God is so so faithful.

I can't believe that a week ago I was sat here at this very computer freaking out over a chapter of my dissertation.

I can't believe that this time 6 days ago I emailed my dissertation to my supervisor.

I can't believe that this time 5 days ago I got it printed and bound so I could have a copy to remind me of the 'fun' I had completing it.

Since those days have gone I've been learning a little of what it is to enjoy myself. Friday night was my leaving party for Starbucks, saturday was Coxy's wedding reception and a reunion for all the sport and coaching kids among us again. Sunday I went to church in the morning and the evening was bliss, sitting in a sunkissed garden with pimms and salad in hand, chatting to Chelsea. Monday I went to work and then chilled all afternoon. Tuesday was spent having a quiet day of relaxation and book reading too before wednesday.

Wednesday was beautiful! I saw my family - my lovely brother, sister-in-law and nephew and it was joyous! I love going to theirs, they only live about 40 mins away and it's great!!! We went for cake and tea, bought Jenny's flowers and then chilled at home. Jonathan has grown so so much and it's mad!!!

Then in the evening I cruised over to Marlow in my littel car to have supper at Jenny's (our head of department at uni) which was totally lovely, and then due to being 100% wiped out, crashed there for the evening before heading back to Oxford. It was really strange going to hers knowing we're no longer her students any more. I didn't like it - change it weird!!

Then on thursday after coming back from Jenny's at silly o'clock in the morning I went back to bed for a nap, waking up at about 10, ready to go and deliver Mark's thank you present by 11. Again, another really strange moment in my life where I realised just how much this uni has meant to me over the past 3 years and how influential some of these lecturers have been. They are a constant source of support and I'm completely overwhelmed at the prospect of not being in that department, in that uni for the next year of my life. They have been incredible through the ups and the downs - the illness, loss of friends, car accidents, more illness - just incredibly loving and supportive people who sometimes remind you of how great you can be even when you doubt it! It just seems so final even though I'm sure dropping by will happen eventually as I'm still in Oxford but leaving those offices for 'the last time', I got genuinely emotional!!!!!!!!!!!

I didn't like it - noticing a theme?

So now it's time to get ready for my last ever shift at Starbucks and then begin on packing up my entire house to move out. I genuinely hate change so flinging all the constants into one finishing pot may not have been my best idea but here goes for nothing. Wish me luck, pray for me please as I move into the new and try and relax with some proper down time before I go on to do S.O.M. I know god will be faithful again to help me through the crazy life I am trying to lead and I hope He helps me to learn what it is to 'relax' again - I think it's been a few years to say the least!

More of an update heading your way soon!

Love, Dizi x

Finished!

Just in case any people in the world read this, I've finished my dissertation and have handed it in. How do I feel? Weird, odd, bemused and confused by what I'm supposed to do now. I have plans set out in front of me but I have a short period of time to reflect on what I've been up to these past 3 years and marvel at their completion.

Oh and I have to wait and find out what classification I get and if I am going to be allowed to graduate this year ....

For now though I plan to sleep and chill a bit for a few days before going back to work!

Dizi x

Dissertating, contemplating, wondering, dreaming, struggling

So I'm in the midst of my dissertation and it's so boring! I need mass amounts of wisdom and would appreciate your prayers for that. It's going ok but I'm pretty stressed out about it at this present time. I hate deadlines and the ongoing feeling that I've not done enough work or that I've let myself down - drives me crazy!

Also I feel that my last post (the long one - my second last actually I think) made me out to be a bit too clued up on life, for the record -I'm not! I'm currently screaming inside about 10,000 things and to be honest (don't tell anyone hey) I can't even face praying about it right now. I'm in that place of blinkers on and ignore the world. Most of this angst is a direct result of my dissertation deadline date looming.

Because of this I have very little time to do anything else except type that up but I ask that if you visit this site - please pray! I have a few thousands words to write this week and the overwhelming feeling it will never get done but right now am also ridiculously peaceful and chilled out about it all - this will disappear again I am sure, as it did last night at church!!

I'd really appreciate your support and prayers right now to keep me encouraged and I'll be back with you on 29th July fully if not before in a short update version.

Dizi x