How wrong I was.
My niece is the most wonderful little bundle ever, but that's not what makes her precious. I found out what does, much before she was born.
She is precious because she doesn't have her left hand or lower half of her left forearm. She is precious because she brought me into a whole new place in my life. She is precious because she taught me about trust, faith and hope. She doesn't know it yet, but one day I will tell her what she did for me before she was even born.
At her 20 week scan my sister-in-law and brother found out that there was an 'abnormality' with the baby's arm. More scans followed in time and everything else appeared fine, it was to be 'just one of those things'.
I cried ... a lot when I found out. I was upset that things hadn't gone the way they were supposed to. 'Ironically' when I got the news, I was at my pregnancy crisis counselling course. I was in a room of women who all desperately desire for those facing crises in their pregnancies to have a place to be able to talk, get information and make informed decisions for their future. Coincidence - I don't think so!
So all was not perfect and I did the classic 'why me?' or more to the point 'why them?'. I shouted at God. A lot. As I drove home from my course I had no words, just tears, anger and pain within me. I doubted the faithful, loving God I supposedly knew.
It also 'just so happened' that it was my turn to have the book 'The Shaming of the Strong', one of our compulsory reads for the course. It is a book about a family who find out that the baby they are carrying is not going to survive and tells the story of their journey. Sarah gave me the book and I read it in just two days. It hurt, helped and released me through its pages. Some of the pages made me despair, some made me relieved and some just made me grieve. As I read the page where the nanny Emma learns that the baby is sick I felt reassured. Her reaction was "It's not fair, why would God let this happen, it's not right" and it reflected exactly my sentiment at the time.
A few days later I was at work and was sorting through a couple of boxes of baby clothes an came across a pink striped scratch mitten. At first glance I thought one was missing, and then noticed there was another one inside. I fell apart...internally. I had such a sense of God speaking to me but was sat in the office. I finished what I was doing and headed home. When I got there, I spent some time with God, focussing on those two little mittens. I was crumbling into a pit of self pity and sadness. And then God stepped into my wallowing and he asked me two massive questions:
" Do you have faith enough in me to believe that his baby may need both of these mittens?"
"Do you trust me and will you continue to trust me if I don't?"
Yes Lord.
I have faith that you can perform a miracle. Yes Lord I trust that love underpins every plan you have. I trust that you will provide for this baby every day of its life.
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A couple of weekends ago I saw my family, most of us together for the first time since three had got used to becoming four and as I looked around I realised how blessed I was to see my family, together, loving one another and sharing time with one another.
Grace had a beautiful dress on and I was so pleased to see her just as she is. To see her arm, not hidden but there for all to see. It was beautiful and difficult all in one breath. As I looked at her I had a sense of God reminding me of the way he sees us, perfectly formed, just as he created us to be, and with immeasurable love.
I also saw a baby whose life may not always be easy and who may well come up against comments and people who cannot accept that we are all different but in some its a bit more evident. You see many of us are far from perfect in our hearts, minds and bodies. We just acknowledge the things we can most clearly see. I pray Grace would never come up against negative comments, attitudes or behaviours and grow up safe in the knowledge that she is loved The Creator and her identity is found in Him.
Our plans don't always happen the way we expect them to, but it's not our job to make the plans, it's our job to faithfully follow Him who plans everything and trust in him as we walk that path.
Grace, I am a champion for your greatness. And I will support you as best as an Auntie can. I love you Grace (and your wonderful big brother too). I can't wait to see you again soon. xx
