Grace

At the end of March a wonderful thing happened to me. I became an Auntie again. I am besotted with my nephew and had slight anxiety that the second baby might not be as precious. Since he was born two years ago I have realised how much you can love a person. I never really wanted to see someone, spend time with someone, watch someone experience things like I have with him. Every time I visit him he can do (or say!) something new and I was scared I wouldn't love his sibling as much as him.

How wrong I was.

My niece is the most wonderful little bundle ever, but that's not what makes her precious. I found out what does, much before she was born.

She is precious because she doesn't have her left hand or lower half of her left forearm. She is precious because she brought me into a whole new place in my life. She is precious because she taught me about trust, faith and hope. She doesn't know it yet, but one day I will tell her what she did for me before she was even born.

At her 20 week scan my sister-in-law and brother found out that there was an 'abnormality' with the baby's arm. More scans followed in time and everything else appeared fine, it was to be 'just one of those things'.

I cried ... a lot when I found out. I was upset that things hadn't gone the way they were supposed to. 'Ironically' when I got the news, I was at my pregnancy crisis counselling course. I was in a room of women who all desperately desire for those facing crises in their pregnancies to have a place to be able to talk, get information and make informed decisions for their future. Coincidence - I don't think so!

So all was not perfect and I did the classic 'why me?' or more to the point 'why them?'. I shouted at God. A lot. As I drove home from my course I had no words, just tears, anger and pain within me. I doubted the faithful, loving God I supposedly knew.

It also 'just so happened' that it was my turn to have the book 'The Shaming of the Strong', one of our compulsory reads for the course. It is a book about a family who find out that the baby they are carrying is not going to survive and tells the story of their journey. Sarah gave me the book and I read it in just two days. It hurt, helped and released me through its pages. Some of the pages made me despair, some made me relieved and some just made me grieve. As I read the page where the nanny Emma learns that the baby is sick I felt reassured. Her reaction was "It's not fair, why would God let this happen, it's not right" and it reflected exactly my sentiment at the time.

A few days later I was at work and was sorting through a couple of boxes of baby clothes an came across a pink striped scratch mitten. At first glance I thought one was missing, and then noticed there was another one inside. I fell apart...internally. I had such a sense of God speaking to me but was sat in the office. I finished what I was doing and headed home. When I got there, I spent some time with God, focussing on those two little mittens. I was crumbling into a pit of self pity and sadness. And then God stepped into my wallowing and he asked me two massive questions:

" Do you have faith enough in me to believe that his baby may need both of these mittens?"
"Do you trust me and will you continue to trust me if I don't?"

Yes Lord.
I have faith that you can perform a miracle. Yes Lord I trust that love underpins every plan you have. I trust that you will provide for this baby every day of its life.

................................

A couple of weekends ago I saw my family, most of us together for the first time since three had got used to becoming four and as I looked around I realised how blessed I was to see my family, together, loving one another and sharing time with one another.
Grace had a beautiful dress on and I was so pleased to see her just as she is. To see her arm, not hidden but there for all to see. It was beautiful and difficult all in one breath. As I looked at her I had a sense of God reminding me of the way he sees us, perfectly formed, just as he created us to be, and with immeasurable love.

I also saw a baby whose life may not always be easy and who may well come up against comments and people who cannot accept that we are all different but in some its a bit more evident. You see many of us are far from perfect in our hearts, minds and bodies. We just acknowledge the things we can most clearly see. I pray Grace would never come up against negative comments, attitudes or behaviours and grow up safe in the knowledge that she is loved The Creator and her identity is found in Him.

Our plans don't always happen the way we expect them to, but it's not our job to make the plans, it's our job to faithfully follow Him who plans everything and trust in him as we walk that path.


Grace, I am a champion for your greatness. And I will support you as best as an Auntie can. I love you Grace (and your wonderful big brother too). I can't wait to see you again soon. xx

Back again ... List #1 (and possibly the last)

My dear friend Katie has been doing blog posts that comprise of lists. Today's was a list of the contents of her purse (handbag). I decided mine could trump hers big style so here goes...

1. My sparkly coins purse (wallet) from Mum and Dad this Christmas. Useful on the days when a big purse gets in the way.

2. Brown leather day to day purse for cards and cash. A loan from my beautiful housie Zoe after my beloved red spotty Cath Kidston one was stolen last month. Still hunting for the perfect new one.

3. iPod and headphones. My headphones are blue because a) I killed the original ones and b) it makes me different.

4. USB Stick. For all those office to home to other office transfers when the internet doesn't cut it.

5. Cocoa body butter - I hate dry hands.

6. Mango and Papaya body butter - still hate dry skin and 2 christmasses ago I got enough to last me a lifetime!

7. Moleskin black diary - It tells me where I need to be when and much more! In a crazy community job I would be lost without it.

8. Pen assortment. Currently I have 6 of them, in 3 colours. 1 fountain pen, 2 roller balls, 1 fibre tip and 2 biros. The pink one is my favourite.

9. Mascara. An old one for absolute emergencie although I would rarely be able to find it.

10. Aloe vera vaseline. I love the stuff. So much so that there are currently two packs as when my stolen bag was being fingerprint tested I bought a replacement and now new and old are both in there.

11. Tropicana OJ. Gotta get some vitamins in me on the run.

12. Work mobile. Thankfully it doesn't go off too often!

13. Church notes. The itinerary of what is going on at the church all week.

14. Paracetamol and ibuprofen. For the days when nothing else will kick my headache and the children at work are still making noise.

15. Softmints. Because I like them.

16. Sellotape. I don't know why.

17. Nine hair ties. I was wondering where they had all gone.

18. 3 copies of the kids thoughts, visions, pictures and words from God in our Bible Study session tonight.

19. 4 Mint Candy rock sweets. The last from Rebecca as part of my 'Thanks for taking Oscar whilst Iris was born' present.

20. Glasses. I get a bit blind looking into the distance for too long, particulalry later in the day. And at work. They help me.

21. A tube of bobby pins. My hair can be uncontrollable!

22. Tictacs. Minty fresh and just two calories.

23. A tupperware of Special K that I had most of for lunch today.

24. An apple. Been meaning to eat that for days.

25. Sunglasses made fully of plastic. Great for sliding onto head when the sun goes in.

26. Sunglasses with metal frames and nose pieces. Not so cool for the hair but much cooler on the face.

27. Cuticura lemon hand sanitizer. I work with kids. Enough said.

28. Packet of mini eggs. Easter is coming. Mini sugar supply in hectic schedule.

29. Personal mobile. I'm pretty attached to it. Slightly addicted.

30. Comb. Must have in British weather.

31. Envelope of photo CDs. Must remember to take them back to work and leave them there tomorrow.

32. Mini Cadbury's Caramel Eggs. Treats for a well behaved small person in my car. They squash too easily at the bottm of a bag though.

33. Gaviscon. Every stomach acid sufferer's best friend. A small tub of 60 minty tablets.

34. My Bible. A source of strength and support. A reference for my life. The Truth. It goes everywhere with me.

So ... 34 items. That's insane. I'm gonna try and travel lighter in future!

Katie my love, I hope this makes you proud.

Goodnight. xxx